Things I Learned From My Father

Things I Learned From My Father (Part 1)

1. The 2% tax would solve all tax problems indefinitely - if only people could understand that it REPLACES existing taxes, it's not an additional tax (ignorant fools - won't even read the whole proposal before they shoot it down)

2. PIN YOUR SOCKS and you will never suffer the frustration of only having one half of a pair again. (but in the event that you are stuck with half a pair of socks - or underwear for that matter- you can always make it into a puppet)

3. When a couple looks mismatched, the attraction can be explained by the "immune system theory"

4. Take your minerals and never have another cold!

5. Processed foods are evil- twinkies are the creation of satan himself

6. The whiter the bread the sooner you're dead (suicide bread, as we call it in our house)

7. If you don't pick up your own things, dad'll pick them up for you

8. 2x4's weren't meant to hold up apartment buildings, and along similar lines, boys don't like girls who are shaped like twinkies

9. brush your face, comb your teeth, and wash your hair

10. If you ask where mom is, you'll always get the same helpful answer: "She broke her leg and we had to shoot her."

11. You're never too old to play "cowboy"


Things I Learned From my Father (Part 2):

1. Screwdrivers are better served for their intended purpose, drving screws, than poked into the ground through a tarp to hold down a slip 'n slide (but if you're going to use dad's good tools for that, at least have the sense to wipe them and put them back!)

2. Transmission fluid and motor oil are seperate and distinct substances. Do not mix and match the two. If you find yourself pouring pink oil into your car, cease pouring immediately and contact dad.

3. Little brothers should not drive cars, lest they park halfway through garage doors. And all neighbor witnesses should be clear on the facts, so that older sisters are not falsely accused.

4. Neighbor witnesses should also be clear on the facts where speeding down potholed roads are concerned. (I say again, it was Pook, not me!)

5. Singing in tune is optional.

6. Along the same lines, melodies are meant as suggestions, not restrictions. If you want to modify a song to make it more original, that's your prerogative.

7. When a scene in a movie offends, simply press 'mute'.

8. It is possible to stop a receding hairline in it's tracks, even if said hairline began receding in the late teen years. I don't know how, but I have seen it happen.

9. The Articles of Faith can be memorized as a picture, and if successful, you will never hear the 7th one again without a giant cow tongue lurking in the forefront of your mind.

10. One fantastic Christmas gift to a wife can make up for years of romantic dormancy - if she is the long-suffering, forgiving sort, that is :)